hello, my fucking name is...

No, it’s not Johanna and certainly not Joann. Why does everyone want to add letters or drop syllables? I know 3 syllables is hard but my mother hated you and wanted to make your jaw hurt.

While we’re at it, please don’t start singing that stupid Kool & the Gang song. For one thing it creeps me out to have people I’ve just met or even co-workers tell me they love me. Telling me that “it just popped into your head” does not make it any less inappropriate. For another, that song came out when I was 8 so I’ve had to hear it all my life. I don’t even let my husband sing it to me. so I’m really not going to let you.

No, you may not call me Jo, Jojo, Joey, Joanie, Joan, or Josey. Why? Because…

My Fucking Name is Joanna.

Laura Hamilton, not Linda Hamilton. 

How hard is this name, really? It’s not fucking hard at all. It doesn’t have an odd or alternative spelling. Neither of my names is unusual. Laura Hamilton. Super duper easy.

So why does every fucking person who meets me want to change my name to Linda Hamilton? I AM NOT LINDA HAMILTON. I am not that buff, I have no desire to fight the Terminator. She’s awesome and all, but I AM NOT LINDA HAMILTON.

Also, my name is not Lara, Luara, Lora, Lori, Laurie or Lisa. It’s not those, any of those, and it’s not Linda either. Fucking get it right, it’s totally not hard. You’re just not paying attention. If you forgot my name, just ask me, I don’t mind telling you a few times. I might ask you your name too. Just don’t call me LINDA. It’s LAURA. OK?

My Fucking Name is LAURA HAMILTON.

It’s Peg.  No, not fucking MARGARET.

Yes, my given name is a “nickname.” Quit acting like I’m lying to you.  Peg.  PEGPEGPEGPEGPEG.  Gaaaaaaaaaaaah! 

My Name is Beth, Just Beth.

It’s not Bethany, Elizabeth, or any other longer version of it.  Just plain Beth.  Also, my last name is Wendt.  That does not entitle you non-reading-lazy-ass-slobs to call me Wendy.  I do not have red pigtails (well, maybe I did when I was like 6) and sling hamburgers.  Unless you want a swift punch to the neck, do not call me Wendy. 

And another thing, I don’t fucking know if I am related to “so-and-so Wendt.”  I live in an area where “Wendt” is a very common last name.  If you meet someone named Smith, do you ask them the same question?  In any case, it is my MARRIED name.  I am not astute in the genealogy of my in-laws.  I haven’t the faintest clue who your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate is, but he might be related to my husband.

My fucking name is Beth Wendt. 

That’s right, I wont turn around if you say “Kathy,” or Katie, for that matter.

If you’re a telemarketer and you’re trying to read my full name, Katherine, God help you and whatever school system taught you to say “kath-uhr-INE.” Really? Let’s not be surprised when I hang up on you. The full name is Katherine, pronounced “KATH-rihn”,  and the everyday name is Kate.

If you get to know me better, you can’t call me Katie. There have been three people who got away with that, and unless you are my 6th grade science teacher, my dead great-aunt, or Ed McMahon with a check in his hand, don’t take liberties. You know what? I’d probably correct Ed McMahon, or at least give that awkward flinching face at him. My fucking name is Kate and it’s never been anything else. Try to wrap your heads around that and not diminutive me.

Yes.. born as Glen but spell it Glenn. I actually had to legally declare in writing once that the “one ‘n’ Glen” is the same person as the “two ‘n’s’ Glenn.” I thought I would become a person ( two ‘n’s ) instead of a thing ( one ‘n’ meaning “mountain valley” in Gaelic ) when I was 10 in 1966.

Fast forward to 1995, and the digitalization caused havoc. I now spend my life telling people it’s legally with one but I spell it with two ‘n’s. I had to change all my documents back to ONE ‘n’ .  Oh, and I live in Italy, yeah, that name doesn’t exist.

Only old timers know Glenn Ford, and middle-timers think it’s a woman’s name ( thanks Ms.Close.) So unsolicited callers think I’m a female. Oh yeah, they can’t pronounce it here either: GLED ? Like the air freshener ? GLANDE, like GLANS ? What is this name ?

So I tell them it’s like on the whiskey bottle, “Glen Grant” OK, thanks. Then they call me GRANT from then on. One guy takes it further and calls me JACK ( the other whiskey.) WTF? Just call me Glen(n)., not Glenny, Glenito, Glennino, Glenachos, or Glennaccio. It’s not Lynne, Lynn, Alan, Greg, Grant, Gene or any other G name.

My F***king name is Glen(n)

NO!! NOT CATHY!!  Catherine or Cat, not Kat or Kathy. Did you hear me say Cathy????? No???  Then why do you assume to call me that? I didn’t hear you say dumbass so I don’t call you that…. 

And don’t assume you know me well enough to shorten my name to that because if you REALLY knew me you wouldn’t have to be reminded of the above. Soooo…

My fuckin’ name is CATHERINE!!!

My name is Sophia. It’s pretty popular these days. Why is your face all crinkled and confused like that? I don’t have any kind of speech disorder that forces me to add a’s to my nouns. It’s SophiA. Fuck off, you can’t call me Sophie. 

My name isn’t Susan, Cecelia, Cynthia, or Sapphire. Whilst we’re being whimsical I should add that my name is not Rupert or Anchyses or Louise, either. 

It’s not SIH-fair. It’s not SOPHIE-yah. No, I don’t think the third syllable is so burdensome to your lips and tongue that I should take pity on you and drop it. I’m delighted to hear your boss’s niece is named Sophia. They pronounce it SOPH-yah? Brilliant. I don’t. So-FEE-a. No “yah”. The second syllable does not rhyme with pie. Why have you suddenly lost your ability to pronounce ‘ph’ as an ‘f’ sound? Do you need me to call someone on the telep-hone for you? No? English is not a phonetic language. It’s an Anglicization of a Greek name. This is a conflict you’re going to have to work through on your own. 

No, I wouldn’t prefer to go by my middle name, professionally, because Sophia seems a bit pretentious. I understand you feel a bit embarrassed, but I’m certain my father did not introduce me as “Selena.” When you call out “Sonia” in a crowded reception area, I will not apologise for not responding even though you think it obvious that you have reached a close approximation to my real name. Yes, when I spell my name out over the phone and get notes/emails/lattes with “Srehya” I get a bit twitchy. I was not born while my mother watched a Sophia Loren movie. Why in the actual fuck would you think I was? 

My fucking name is Sophia. 

Rosalie. It’s not the most common name, but why do you all have such trouble pronouncing it? There is no “n” (Rosaline), it doesn’t end in an “a” (Rosalia). Do you have trouble making a “lee” sound? And for the love of all that is holy, why would you try to shorten such a beautiful name into “Rosie, Rosy, Rosey, Rose, Rosa”?! NO. And Ro? Can you only handle one syllable? It’s just three. Rose-Ah-Lee.

And although my e-mail is my first name followed by my middle name (RosalieMelissa), the name that comes first (Rosalie) is my first name. Funny how that works. My name is not Melissa. When I sign an email “Rosalie”, you should realize that my name isn’t Melissa. When your class list says my name is “Rosalie”, you should realize it isn’t Melissa.

And when I’ve been working for you for a year, and there are only 2 other employees, you should be able to spell my last time. Last time I checked, “Town” is pretty easy to spell.

However, you *can* sing me all the Rosalie songs you know.

My name is fucking Rosalie.

My name is Adri.  It’s short for Adrienne. 

Four little letters - A-D-R-I. Say Ay-Dree; not Audrey, not Andrea, not Andy nor “Aaahdree.”

My full name is French and it’s the feminine spelling, so it’s not Adrian.  And I’m not  Adrianna or Adrianne.  And no, “Andrienne” is not my name or anyone else’s.  And please, please, for the love of God, don’t quote Rocky when I introduce myself.  I have heard “Yo Adrian!” about 10,000 too many times.

My Fucking Name is Adri.