hello, my fucking name is...

Yes.. born as Glen but spell it Glenn. I actually had to legally declare in writing once that the “one ‘n’ Glen” is the same person as the “two ‘n’s’ Glenn.” I thought I would become a person ( two ‘n’s ) instead of a thing ( one ‘n’ meaning “mountain valley” in Gaelic ) when I was 10 in 1966.

Fast forward to 1995, and the digitalization caused havoc. I now spend my life telling people it’s legally with one but I spell it with two ‘n’s. I had to change all my documents back to ONE ‘n’ .  Oh, and I live in Italy, yeah, that name doesn’t exist.

Only old timers know Glenn Ford, and middle-timers think it’s a woman’s name ( thanks Ms.Close.) So unsolicited callers think I’m a female. Oh yeah, they can’t pronounce it here either: GLED ? Like the air freshener ? GLANDE, like GLANS ? What is this name ?

So I tell them it’s like on the whiskey bottle, “Glen Grant” OK, thanks. Then they call me GRANT from then on. One guy takes it further and calls me JACK ( the other whiskey.) WTF? Just call me Glen(n)., not Glenny, Glenito, Glennino, Glenachos, or Glennaccio. It’s not Lynne, Lynn, Alan, Greg, Grant, Gene or any other G name.

My F***king name is Glen(n)

NO!! NOT CATHY!!  Catherine or Cat, not Kat or Kathy. Did you hear me say Cathy????? No???  Then why do you assume to call me that? I didn’t hear you say dumbass so I don’t call you that…. 

And don’t assume you know me well enough to shorten my name to that because if you REALLY knew me you wouldn’t have to be reminded of the above. Soooo…

My fuckin’ name is CATHERINE!!!

My name is Sophia. It’s pretty popular these days. Why is your face all crinkled and confused like that? I don’t have any kind of speech disorder that forces me to add a’s to my nouns. It’s SophiA. Fuck off, you can’t call me Sophie. 

My name isn’t Susan, Cecelia, Cynthia, or Sapphire. Whilst we’re being whimsical I should add that my name is not Rupert or Anchyses or Louise, either. 

It’s not SIH-fair. It’s not SOPHIE-yah. No, I don’t think the third syllable is so burdensome to your lips and tongue that I should take pity on you and drop it. I’m delighted to hear your boss’s niece is named Sophia. They pronounce it SOPH-yah? Brilliant. I don’t. So-FEE-a. No “yah”. The second syllable does not rhyme with pie. Why have you suddenly lost your ability to pronounce ‘ph’ as an ‘f’ sound? Do you need me to call someone on the telep-hone for you? No? English is not a phonetic language. It’s an Anglicization of a Greek name. This is a conflict you’re going to have to work through on your own. 

No, I wouldn’t prefer to go by my middle name, professionally, because Sophia seems a bit pretentious. I understand you feel a bit embarrassed, but I’m certain my father did not introduce me as “Selena.” When you call out “Sonia” in a crowded reception area, I will not apologise for not responding even though you think it obvious that you have reached a close approximation to my real name. Yes, when I spell my name out over the phone and get notes/emails/lattes with “Srehya” I get a bit twitchy. I was not born while my mother watched a Sophia Loren movie. Why in the actual fuck would you think I was? 

My fucking name is Sophia. 

Rosalie. It’s not the most common name, but why do you all have such trouble pronouncing it? There is no “n” (Rosaline), it doesn’t end in an “a” (Rosalia). Do you have trouble making a “lee” sound? And for the love of all that is holy, why would you try to shorten such a beautiful name into “Rosie, Rosy, Rosey, Rose, Rosa”?! NO. And Ro? Can you only handle one syllable? It’s just three. Rose-Ah-Lee.

And although my e-mail is my first name followed by my middle name (RosalieMelissa), the name that comes first (Rosalie) is my first name. Funny how that works. My name is not Melissa. When I sign an email “Rosalie”, you should realize that my name isn’t Melissa. When your class list says my name is “Rosalie”, you should realize it isn’t Melissa.

And when I’ve been working for you for a year, and there are only 2 other employees, you should be able to spell my last time. Last time I checked, “Town” is pretty easy to spell.

However, you *can* sing me all the Rosalie songs you know.

My name is fucking Rosalie.

My name is Adri.  It’s short for Adrienne. 

Four little letters - A-D-R-I. Say Ay-Dree; not Audrey, not Andrea, not Andy nor “Aaahdree.”

My full name is French and it’s the feminine spelling, so it’s not Adrian.  And I’m not  Adrianna or Adrianne.  And no, “Andrienne” is not my name or anyone else’s.  And please, please, for the love of God, don’t quote Rocky when I introduce myself.  I have heard “Yo Adrian!” about 10,000 too many times.

My Fucking Name is Adri.

Lemmie say that again: SHERIDAN!

No, I was not named after the hotel. For one thing that rather insulting and a bit stupid and second the hotel I think you are referring to is SherATOn. It’s not even pronounced the same.

BTW my name is pronounced Share-ee-dan, although I can forgive those who pronounce Share-uh-din or shur-a-dun

By no stretch of the imagination is my name Sheldon, Sherman, Sherwin, Sherlock or Shamika.

Another thing… Sheridan is NOT a girl’s name, no matter how many fictional characters, porn stars, news casters and other personalities are named that.

I am male and it is MY name. I suppose I could go into the etymology of it and try to explain its Gaelic origins and how it is a warrior’s name but I’m sure your eyes have glazed over by now.

And don’t get me started on my last name….perhaps another time.

It’s not pronounced Shay-na or Shawn-a, it’s Shana. It sounds just like Anna. Why do you insist on calling me Shawn-a or Shay-na no matter how many times I correct you. That’s just disrespectful, man.

Yes there is only ONE n in it, please don’t spell it Shanna. And for pity’s sake- don’t call me Jenna, or Shannon. Those aren’t even close.

My Fucking Name Is Shana.

Moira.

More-uh. The “i,” just pretend it’s not there.

Not Moy-ra, Mara, Maria, Mariah, Moriah, Moreeea, Mare-uh, Mo-eye-ra.  And “Can I get some More-a that is not funny.”  

I didn’t pick my name, I didn’t decide how to pronounce it, and yes, I know there is an “i.”

Look. It’s not that fucking difficult to spell or say. It’s Ruh-Bek-Uh. Not Ree-Beak-Ah. Not Becky. Definitely not Rachel or Raquel or anything Like that. You can call me anything but Becky. Dear god no.

I occasionally go by Rebecca Ann. Yes that is my middle name. Yes I turned it into a double name because I can. No there is no E at the end of Ann. No you cannot call me Ann. Rebecca Ann. Not that fucking difficult.

And the spelling? I understand that “in the Bible” It’s spelt Rebekah. But my name is not and will never be: Rebeccah, Rebbeca Rebbecca, Rebbeka, Rebbeckah, Rebekaa or Rebecka or any other spelling you can think of. It’s not that difficult to spell or pronounce. R-E-B-E-C-C-A.

And don’t even get me started on my last name.

My Fucking Name is Rebecca Ann.

My name is Meegan. With two ee’s that produce a long eeee sound. Just like when you see consecutive e’s in just about every other word in the fucking English language. See? My name is NOT Megan, nor is it Meagan. No, I did not change my name to make it different.  No, it’s not a typo and for fuck’s sake no, I did not misspell my own damn name you jackass. It’s an old Irish surname. Meegan. Say it. Correctly. Or fuck off.